I’m becoming increasingly aware of my fear of failure and its mean posse. I guess I have always seen and heard that little voice, but I haven’t paid much attention to how it really affects my whole life. I consider myself to be a fairly happy person, I have worked hard on transforming different pains, behavioral patterns and traumas that I had been carriying around since I was a child, and I have succeeded in ridding myself of many of them. Yes, I have made great progress in renovating and restoring many areas of what I call my Lalaland, my inner Queendom, and I definitely believe in celebrating that, but the fact remains that when it comes to some areas like finances and physical well being, I have not yet succeeded to thrive.
I still carry this paralyzing fear inside me, and it blossoms when I face something outside of my comfort zone? When I meet the lesser loved parts of myself. It can manifest when I have a great idea that I know will benefit the greater good, and I’m ready to send out a proposal to someone, but it includes me making money from it. Suddenly doubt is there, saying stuff like,- Is it really a good idea? What if they reject it? Does this really benefit the greater good?
I get paralyzed and the result is that I tend to postpone everything. This toxic fear can also manifest when I’m walking around in a bikini, or wearing a tight top or skirt, I can feel that paralyzing self hatred clinging to my thighs, the part of my body I have had the most trouble loving.
As all you beautiful coaches and healers out there probably know, this fear has to do with the lack of self love and self worth, a foundation that you mainly establish between the age of 0-6 years old.
As I watch my son sleep this morning, I ask myself what kind of role model am I to him? I know that I say loving words to him, and encourage him, but do I provide an example for him to follow? My parents are/were self sacrificing spirits with much love for humanity and less for them selves, and that has affected my life profoundly in many ways. So know I’m facing a choice, a choice to teach my son how to go out there and live his dreams, how to transform fear into courage, and lack of self love into unconditional love… or I could teach him to play it safe, by hiding in my cave and letting life pass me by. The choice sounds easy in broad daylight huh? But when you are infected by fear and feel paralyzed, it doesn’t always feel that easy. What I can do is formulate a wish and shoot a rocket of desire.
So here I go..
I want to be able to provide a comfortable life for my son and myself, and I want to love every cell of my body and give it the greatest care and love possible, and allow the world to do so as well .
Feels good to say it out loud and allow myself to fully feel it. I always say awareness is the first step towards transformation, but action is the important second one. I have observed my patterns and I know my triggers, so know the last important step is making my move.
Problem: When it comes to finances, I know that it’s is mainly the fear of rejection that is stopping me form taking action.
Suggestion: If I was to send out one proposal every day to different companies and people, not caring if the reject it or not, eventually someone would want to co-create with me, and I would benefit financially form it.
Problem: When It comes to my health and body it is rooted in feeling rejected. I have never felt good enough, and these emotions are stored inside my body and manifest themselves as hormonal imbalances that create weight problems and different pains.
Suggestion: I have been so lost on this one, and so have the doctors I have visited, I eat well and exercise. I’m starting to think that the solution to all of this might not be to transform my body, but to learn to fully love it as it is and allow others to do that as well. I want to establish a routine to dedicate 10 min a day to touching or brushing my body and saying loving things to it. I also believe it’s important for me to surround myself with healers and coaches to help me on my journey. It ‘s time for the healer to be healed.
I have a long way to go, but I wouldn’t trade this human experience for anything. Thank you for taking part in my personal Loveolution. I hope that you experience the beautiful feeling of complete unconditional love for yourself and others, you deserve it, we all do.